미술과 내가 인연을 맺은 지 40년이 넘었고 미술사와의 인연은 올 해로 24년째다.

어릴 때부터 미술에 소질 많다는 말을 들었지만 난 솔직히 ‘소질’이 뭔지 몰랐다. 하기야 틀에 박힌 고궁풍경 그림을 보면 너무 지루했고 내 자신은 다른 걸 그리고 싶긴 했다. 예를 들면 가정집 욕실이 드물던 1960년대, 공중목욕탕에서 잠자리채 그물망으로 탕 안의 때를 걷어내던 아줌마나 출입 유리문에 붉게 쓴 ‘물을 아끼자’를 뿌연 탕 안에서 본대로 거꾸로 쓰려고 애썼던 일, 흑백 TV에서 ‘키다리 미스터 킴’을 열창하던 가수 이금희의 하늘하늘한 쉬폰 드레스 소매를 욕심껏 표현하지 못해 끙끙대던 게 기억난다. 

그러나 어머니의 극성스런(?) 손에 끌려 11살 때 간 곳이 낙원동 이봉상 미술연구소. 거의 모두 고등학생이고 어린애는 나뿐이던 거기서 외롭고 재미없는 시절을 보냈다. 이봉상 선생님은 첫날 내 그림을 보고 “이런 걸 개칠이라고 한다”고 나의 천재성 착각에 찬물을 끼얹었고 새끼(?) 선생 중 가장 젊은 최쌍중 선생님이 나를 맡았다. 1960년대 말-1970년대 초 박서보와 이우환의 전성기였다지만 최쌍중 화실, 장성순과 황용엽 선생님의 삼청동 화실에서도 매일 습관처럼 석고를 그리던 나는 아무런 미적 감동도 제대로 느낄 줄 몰랐던 겉멋 들린 기계인형이었다.<책읽기는 좋아했던 나는 지겨운 미술 대신 문학을 전공하고 싶었지만 엄청난 미술과외비를 아까워하며 화가 딸을 꿈꾸던 어머니의 뜻을 꺾진 못했다. 1977년, 별로 원치도 않는 미술대학조차 간신히 입학한 나는 여전히 기계인형이었다. 주변에서 미술을 진지하게 말하는 소리도 들리지 않았다. 휴교령과 데모가 계속되는 가운데 나는 광주사태를 겪었으나 동숭동 미술회관에서 개막 날 간신히 본 ‘현실과 발언’이 어떤 의미였는지도 몰랐다. 동기생 중에는 김명숙, 오진경, 우순옥, 유혜송, 정혜진, 그리고 황주리 등이 있었는데 세상몰랐던 나는 그들과 미술과 사회를 토론할 줄도 몰랐고 강의실 대신 음악다방에서 빈들거리면서도 덮어놓고 시사영어학원과 알리앙스 불어학원을 4년 내내 들락거리고 있었다. 

그러나 대학 3학년 때 파리에서 막 귀국한 정병관 교수의 미술사 수업은 내게 서서히 미술에 눈뜨게 했다. 우물거리는 그의 발음으로 들었던 강의에서 에른스트M.Ernst를 ‘엔스터’라고 써놓은 대학노트를 보면 지금도 우습다. 1981년 나, 김현주, 오진경, 이화익 등이 이화여대 미술사학과 대학원 1기생인데 프랑카스텔Francastel 등을 읽었지만 여전히 세상 돌아가는 것도 미술계 파벌에 대해서서도 깜깜무소식이었다. 나의 대학원 시절은 소위 ‘모더니즘 형식 분석’만이 최고가치였던 셈인데 당시엔 그 사실조차 몰랐다. 

대학원 졸업 후 김영나, 정병관 교수의 배려로 1985년 덕성여대와 이화여대에서 시간강사를 시작하기 직전에야 나의 겁나는 무지(?)를 무마하기 위해 왠지 모두들 우습게 여겼던 한국어판 잰슨의 『미술의 역사』를 메모하며 2번 정독하다가 나무 아닌 숲을 처음 보았다. 

나의 미술사 전환점은 박사과정 입학 후 파리 1대학 야간수업을 단 한번 청강하러 이지호를 따라갔을 때 35명 중 7명의 한국유학생들을 보고 ‘한국에서 나까지 서양미술을 전공해야 하나를 깨달았던 일이었다. 그제야 한국미술을 돌아다 봤다. 한국현대미술사를 박사논문으로 쓴다고 했을 때 그나마 미심쩍은 눈으로 참아준 것은 정병관 교수 한사람뿐, 자료정리가 안됐다는 둥 생존 작가를 다루다간 도마 위에 오른다는 둥 부정적인 말만 들었다. 하지만 조금만 들여다봐도 정말 할 일이 많았고 30살에 처음으로 비겁하지 않겠다는 생각을 진지하게 했다. 그렇게 외롭게 시작한 한국현대미술사 공부가 17년. 아직도 빙산 한 조각을 캐고 있는 느낌이지만 외로움과 가정적 고통을 겪던 30-40대에 매일 마이크로필름과 신문, 잡지를 훑으며 모래밭에서 구슬을 줍는 기쁨을 느끼면서 지낸 것에 감사하다.

지금도 간혹 내 자신이 권력과 힘 앞에서 비겁해진다고 느낄 때 생각한다. 성실함의 뿌리로 자란 나무는 줄기가 잘리더라도 결코 파도 앞의 모래성 같지는 않다고. 4-5년 전 ‘소예素藝’라는 패러다임 연구를 시작하면서 단군신화와 일본사와 한자의 어원을 거슬러 올라가고 있는 걸 보다 못한 누군가가 ‘이제 그만 가시죠’라고 했지만 모래밭에서 주운 예쁜 조개껍질을 꿰어 누군가에게 선물하는 데 기쁨을 느끼는 사람도 있는 법이다. 미술사와 미술현장은 내게 그런 기쁨을 배우고 인간을 배우며 겸허함을 일깨우는 곳이다.

My 1960-80s

- Kim, Mi-Kyung

Its over 40 years I formed ties with Art and 24 years with Art History. 

I couldnt feel any artistic emotions under the social troubled times of 1960-70s, going to the studio everyday not knowing the reason why I memorized the shading of plaster figure. While temporary closure of University and demonstration, I didnt catch the meaning of Kwang Ju emergency or the exhibition Hyun Bal(1980). 

In the meantime, my eyes opened to Art History at the class of professor Jung Byung-Kwan, and I groped my way to Western art history as I read H.Jansons Story of Art in full for my first lecture in 1985. Then my turning point of Art History was that I found 7 Koreans in the class of 35 students at Paris University which awakened me what I should really do in Korea. Still have feeling of picking up small shell on the beach as before, I am happy with the reflection on collecting materials in my 30-40s.

Whenever I feel occasionally my cowardice in front of a kind of authority or power I think that the tree of faithfulness doesnt like a sand dune be swallowed up by the waves. Art History and art field are places I learn about people with joy and modesty.